Here are four new “You have two cows….” from Patrick in Woodinville, Washington

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DARWINISM: You have two cows. They develop opposable thumbs and milk you.
DARWINISM (social): You have two cows. They evolve to a stronger species and exterminate all humans and lesser breeds of cow because they can’t produce as much milk.
ALEXANDER POPE-ISM: To err is human, to forgive bovine.
CUBISM: Fifteen shapes of varying sizes and color, the essence of cow.

For more Two Cows, see YouHave2Cows.com

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both cows. The government sells the milk in government stores. You can’t afford the milk. You wither away.

You have two cows. The government…. – from TheCapitol.Net

It is not an accident that communism, wherever it has strongly established itself, has always restricted international travel, stirred up spy-mania, and jammed foreign radio stations. Where the USSR led, the People’s Republic of China and Cuba followed. And their example was picked up by North Vietnam, Cambodia, and Ethiopia. Communist leaderships in power repeatedly clamped down on the free flow of information in their countries and used propaganda to indoctrinate whole populations. Official media claimed that poverty and oppression were the universal features of life under capitalism; that capitalism was entering a period of terminal decline; and that the future, the brightest of futures, lay with communism.

“Hoover Archives: What I Found in Mr. Hoover’s Papers,” by Robert Service, Hoover Digest, 2006 No. 2

The Museum of Communism is an online, “virtual” museum that provides historical, economic, and philosophical analysis of the political movement known as Communism; it may be found on the World Wide Web at http://www.gmu.edu/departments/economics/bcaplan. An overwhelming consensus of historians from a wide range of political viewpoints concludes that the human rights violations of Communist regimes have been enormous – often greater, in fact, than those of the infamous Nazi Germany. Yet public awareness of the major crimes of Communist regimes remains minimal. The purpose of the Museum of Communism is to disseminate this information, combining high scholarly standards with an entertaining format.

Museum of Communism – by Bryan Caplan

Here are two new “You have two cows….” from Bill in Pittsburgh

WIKIPEDIANISM: This cow is a heifer. You can help Wikipedia by milking it.
WIKIPEDIANISM: These cows are temporarily protected from milking. Please resolve disputes on the talk page. Protection is not intended to express support of German or Polish cows.

For more Two Cows, see YouHave2Cows.com

Here are two new “You have two cows….” from Hannah and Gen in Australia

AUSTRALIANISM: You have two cows. You take one to the beach and teach it to surf, then you bung the other one on the barbie, drink some VB, and laugh at the idea of a surfing cow. What’s a government?
BITCHISM: You’re a cow!

“Bung” is Australian slang for: To put or place. E.g., bung another snag on the barbie.
For more Two Cows, see YouHave2Cows.com

Here are two new “You have two cows….” from Janne Tuukkanen

DRM: You have two cows. You sell both of them, but all the milk still belongs to you.

INNOVATION: You have two cows. You patent “cow” and claim license fees from all the milk of the world. (All your milk are belong to us.)

For more, see YouHave2Cows.com

“We’ve never seen such a friendly cow,” farmer friends kept telling me. True enough. When people enter the pasture, Elvis comes running up to greet them. The effect is rather like a building lifting off its foundations and charging down a hill: You just pray he can stop if he wants to. He sticks out his big tongue and slurps. He grabs at shirts and hats. If you sit down, he’ll happily put his head in your lap. But since his landings are neither graceful nor accurate, it’s not an entirely welcome gesture.
. . .
But Elvis has changed my ideas about cows. He’s very social, fond of me and my helper Annie and my Labrador Pearl. When I take the dogs out for their morning walk, he moos repeatedly until I bring him an apple. He’s figured out how to move bales of hay into place so he can snuggle next to them (when he lies down, you can sometimes feel the vibrations all the way to the farmhouse). He especially seems to love the view, staring out at the valley much of the day.

He is amiable, happy to hang out with the donkeys and sheep, given the chance. He coexists peaceably with the chickens—with everyone, in fact. Once or twice a week, he has a burst of cow madness and goes dancing playfully around the pasture in circles. Trees tremble.

Plus, he comes when called, stays when asked, and doesn’t grab clothing anymore. Not all of my dogs will do (or not do) those things as reliably. I’m very happy to have him on the farm. It will cost me more than $1,000 to keep him in hay next winter. A bargain.

“The World’s Smartest Cow: What my steer, Elvis, has taught me,” by Jon Katz, Slate, April 28, 2006

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. A vote is held, and the cows win.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products. You go bankrupt.

See “You have two cows. The government….” from TheCapitol.Net

We recently added to our “You have two cows. The government….” page, by adding a slew of international definitions, most from the Arab world by way of “How Arabs deal with cows,” by Mahmood Al-Yousif, December 29, 2005

Some samples from our “Two Cows page:

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PLATONISM: You have a reflection of two perfect cows. Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.

SOCRATIC METHODISM: How many cows do I have? Why?

If you don’t like ours or have others, feel free to add yours in the comments (we reserve the right to edit).