“Guide for Congressional Pages”

It is a common notion that Congressional pages should be neither seen nor heard. But this is a lie. Pages were accepted into this prestigious program and so should bring attention to themselves in all situations possible. This guide for pages will help you become the best page possible, at least for this semester.

Get up as late as possible and don’t bother to set an alarm. Promptness is not valued at the Page School. If you are not present at school it will be assumed that you are conducting important federal business. This may include, but is not limited to, prank calling the Senate pages, watching R-rated movies in the cloakroom, and campaigning for Ron Paul and/or Dennis Kucinich.

Don’t sweat the uniform either. The teachers and supervisors have greatly lowered their standards after seeing teenage fashions such as navy blazer-style halter bikini tops and dark grey cut-off slacks. Black flip-flops are acceptable, so long as you wear the 100% silk Italian page tie, girls included.

If you happen to appear at school and decide to go to work, you must walk. All page scooters have been retired after the scandalous scooter races last semester. It is essential that you jaywalk because it is in the sprit of the rule “All page duties must be performed quickly and efficiently.” If drivers become irate, merely flashing your page ID should assuage their road rage.

The elevators are the fastest way to get down to the page cage, unless you use the Speaker’s secret tunnel. If you happen to get on an elevator with an intern, crowd around him/her because interns love to become better friends with pages. Make sure to strike up a conversation with him/her; ask the intern about his/her wages and what s/he does throughout the day. Then proceed to compare it to a page’s pay and jobs. Loudly. It would also be beneficial to comment on their lack of uniform and/or professional attire.

If you’re ever confused about your job, simply look to the Members for examples. Show up for work three-fifths of the time. Carry your cell phone and constantly check your email; it’s essential that you’re kept in the know about the current celebrity nincompoop. When the House is in session, don’t hold back if you have a thought to share; shout out comments, especially if they’re of the dissenting opinion. “Don’t be such girls,” “Nay,” high school insults, and grunts are all acceptable forms of dissent.

When the Members are not in session, the House is your domain. Try out the Speaker’s chair, test the microphones by singing your favorite song, and run up and down the aisles. But remember the number one rule: follow the Members’ example. Feel free to read a newspaper, put your feet up on the historic leather chairs, or take a nap. Your page supervisor won’t mind.

If you’re ever confused, remember these two rules: 1) Follow the Members’ example, and 2) Bring attention to the navy blazers.

“Guide for Congressional Pages,” Anonymous
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